I’m constantly amazed at Google Suggest‘  drop-down menu of “popular” web searches. It really isn’t all that great, but the results are as surprising as a smack on your face. Here is what I’m talking about… The first isn’t much of a surprise, but the second sure is…

Related articles by Zemanta

• Google Tests a New Interface for Google Suggest (googlesystem.blogspot.com)
• How to Disable Google Suggest (googlesystem.blogspot.com)

“A student stands up in the middle of class and starts brilliantly singing a broadway style musical. Even the Professor (James Valentini) was laughing at this!”

Absolutely sensational! Brightened up my day.

You wish! But these fun gadgets are a hoot anyway… with quirky quips like; “Time to listen!”, “What about my needs?”, and “Whoa, ever hear of foreplay?” from the Control your Man gizmo. While the Control Your Woman speaks of things like “Feed me!”, “Hand over the credit cards”, and “Yeah baby, do that again”. Have a dekko…

I reckon people would pay heaps more if this actually ‘worked’. But till science catches up to our imaginations, enjoy a neat gender stereotype reinforcing product.

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out. Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.’

‘Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

I’d be the first to say, I’m not much of a forward-er (umm, spammer) and not really keen on getting them. But then, once in a while you come across these gems…

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,

‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves…

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ … ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great!’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,

‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’ Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,

‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’ ‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’

Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,

‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’

The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’ So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and  rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’

‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’

replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating  some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull-Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all  warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

And thus ends the 3 minute management training.

What I’d give for a night of sound sleep?! Its been quite a while now and this sleep depravation actually gets me pretty depressed each time it gets close to bed time. I’m stumped for a solution here. I’ve read up on quite a few articles on the problem and tried to implement the steps suggested, from working myself tired by bedtime to eating and drinking certain kinds of food or drinks. Nada. Nothing has worked so far.

I know my body is desperate for a good night’s sleep. And its affecting the quality of work I do.

I am pretty excitable, and am usually pretty wired all through the day, and there is no question of my sneaking a nap during the day. Meenal, on the other hand, sleeps like a baby (not at work i.e.). Not that I envy her sleep. She’s usually so tired these days with all the hectic socializing, during weekends, at home, that she’s pretty exhausted come bedtime. Oh yeah, there is another very interesting fact that I’ve omitted here… Roughly around 5-ish in the morning is when I feel myself drifting into deep sleep, and thats exactly when our alarm goes ballistic!! Reminds me of a fantastic Calvin and Hobbes strip I saw recently.

Click to enlarge.

I recently received this hilarious forward at work. It cracks me up each time I see it. Probably because I love listening to music at at work, and some phases look extremely familiar.

Phase 1

You are listening to Stevie Wonder

(Your first day at work and all is fine and great)

Phase 2

You are listening to House music

(After a while your are so busy that you are not sure if you are coming or going anymore)

Phase 3

You are listening to Heavy Metal

(This is what you feel like at month end)

Phase 4

You are listening to Hip-Hop

(You become bloated due to stress, feel sluggish and suffer from constipation)

Phase 5

You are listening to Gansta Rap

(After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a “good hair day” feels like as you fall out of bed and load up on caffeine!)

And then finally

Phase 6 kicks in

You are listening to Techno (High on some really strong)

This is the truth about how all employees end up eventually… Isn’t this a hoot!

Credits: DPA Forwards

A Department of Water representative stopped at a Canberra farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, ‘I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.’ The old farmer said,

‘OK, but don’t go in that field over there.’

The water rep said, ‘Mister, i have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’

The old farmed nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s huge-horned prize bull.

The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step. The rep was terrified, so the old farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out;

‘Your card! Your card! Show him your card!’

Credits: DPA Forwards

Haven’t really ‘googled’ this story, but I’d like to think how incredibly funny this would’ve been if it were true…

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent out to the American engineers.

The Chicken Gun at Rolls Royce

When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out o the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for some suggestions and explanations.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo;

“Defrost the chicken!”

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

‘Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t, really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on my desk.I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.’

Credits: DPA Forwards